


Career Day with Kylo Ren

by ThefirstRanger



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adam Driver - Freeform, Based off that one SNL skit, F/M, Kylo is dramatic, Original Character(s), Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23255749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThefirstRanger/pseuds/ThefirstRanger
Summary: It's career day at his high school and Mordecai Solo doesn't want his father to present. Of course. Kylo can't resist and it doesn't end up going well.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 23





	Career Day with Kylo Ren

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the SNL skit "Career Day" because it fit too perfectly. Someone else has probably done this already, so sorry, but enjoy!

It was Career Day at Rebellion high school and everyone was excited to hear about the jobs their parents held. Rose Tico had volunteered to to watch over one of the classes and give a little talk about being an engineer for the Rebellion. 

Her presentation had gone well and she was looking forward to a calm day where all she had to do was sit back and relax. Little did she know how wrong she was.  
~  
“And that, in my opinion, is how we make the stormtroopers go away.” The Twilek concluded with a smile. Rose gave him a supportive smile, but inside she was rolling her eyes. It had been a bland and inaccurate presentation, but the kids had seemed to enjoy it. She tried to give the Twilek fighter a warm send off. 

“Wow, simply wow! Thank you so much to Oniho’s dad for that enlightening demonstration.” 

The kids clapped politely and Oniho smiled at his dad as he left. 

“All right class, to continue our career day presentations, we’re now going to hear from,” Rose looked down at the list she had been given. “Mordecai’s father, Benjamin K.R Solo.”

Mordecai grumbled and tried to look away. He wasn’t looking forward to this. His classmate, Temiri, leaned over. 

“What does your dad even do?” He whispered. 

Mordecai shook his head. "I don’t want to talk about it.”

Arashell Sar broke in from across the desk. “I heard he’s like super dramatic. Is that true?”

“I dunno; he’s a dad. Dads are dramatic.” Mordecai replied almost petulantly. 

The class could hear footsteps approaching and a figure appeared on the other side of the glass door. A man walked in, his dark cloak and robes flowing behind him with a scar breaking up his serious face. The robes were several decades out of style, if they had ever been in style, and he looked around the classroom slowly, observing the children. 

“Greetings children,” Rose immediately wanted to leave- it was too awkward already- and Mordecai was pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy,” The man spit out. “How are you?” 

Mordecai pointedly stared at his black boots. He told himself he wasn’t going to look. 

His father wasn’t having any of that. “Look at your father, boy! Look upon your father in the eye.” 

This had to stop, his father was already embarrassing him. “I see you man!”

Rose tried to break in, but she was a little shaken from seeing Kylo Ren at a high school career fair. “Alright, Mr. Solo, why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?” 

That should be a relatively easy question, but of course Ben had to make it difficult. He raised his hands and the coarse sack he was carrying. 

“Hear me now children! For my occupation is of much import.” He glared down at the silent class. “Twenty years I’ve been a Force man A leader some have called me. Now what does a Force leader do? The answer: crush your enemies!”

Ben’s voice had risen in volume over his little monologue and the intensity at the end startled both Rose and the class. Rose made a note to tell Rey all about her husband’s presentation, but her train of thought was interrupted by Ben again. 

“Grind their bones into the dirt! Make them regret they were ever cloned!” 

“Oh sick!” exclaimed Arashell as Mordecai tried to hide his face. 

“Oh wow,” said Rose, trying to get Kylo back on track. “Right into the dirt. Now if the kids want to pursue a career in the Force, what kind of traits would serve them well?”

Kylo stared at her contemptuously before swinging back to the class. “The Force is not for the weak. It is the galaxy’s milk and only the strong may suckle it’s mother’s teat.”

That was an image Rose needed purged from her mind. Kylo nodded at Mordecai. 

“You hear me, boy? Only the strong!” His voice rose again. “Look at me boy. Look at me, your father.”

Mordecai did not meet his father’s eyes and so Arashell whacked him on the shoulder, disgust written on her face. 

“Look at him Mordecai!”

“Dad, this is embarrassing!” pleaded Mordecai. He didn’t want his classmates to hear anymore from his father. 

Kylo ignored his son’s pleas. He was enjoying this too much. “One man came close to breaking me, Sheev Palpatine. He did not succeed… for I crushed him into the ground!”

“Who is Sheev Palpatine?” asked Arashell, clearly enjoying the presentation too much.  
“Exactly!” cried Kylo. 

“Arashell, you gotta stop enabling him.” ordered Rose. This was a mess. “Well Mr. Solo, the Force business must be pretty lucrative, right?”

“The Force has little to do with profit marm!” Oh, Rey was definitely going to get an earful about this presentation. Rose wanted to whack Kylo with her wrench. 

“The Force is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children!” All the children turned their eyes towards Mr. Solo. “Point to the weakest in your class and we shall ruin their spirit as I ruined the spirit of Sheev Palpatine so long ago.”

Immediately, every finger in the class pointed to a sullen Mordecai. 

“Really?”

“You are weak like Sheev Palpatine!” said Arashell too eagerly. 

Kylo got real close to his son’s desk and looked him in his brown eyes. 

“Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?”

Mordecai felt he had to say something. “Dad, you couldn’t get out of your bed for a week because your pants were too tight.”

“Mind over flesh boy,” trilled Kylo. “I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still being developed so they placed me in a tauntaun inside of a snowy cave until I was ripe enough to walk! My bones never hardened, but my spirit did!”

He whirled away from Mordecai’s desk, the dark cloak following his every move. 

“Be strong and crush your enemies!” He raised his bag and his lightsaber handle. 

“Well this has been outstanding Mr. Solo, but unfortunately we’re running out of time. Boooo,” Rose shook her head and started to usher Kylo out. “Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?”

Rose pointed toward Oniho. 

“Yeah, I have a question. I get that you’re a Force leader, but what do you actually do all day?”

Kylo stared at the children. Could they not hear what he was saying? “Perhaps I was not clear. Luckily I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the Force industry.” 

He shook something out of the bag and it dropped to the floor. Rose strained her neck and saw it was a porg. Kylo picked it up and held it high above his head. 

“This is a dead porg! It represents those who would wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the dirt in bloody defiance of the Force’s gifts.” He suddenly threw the porg to the ground where it rolled around. 

“And now you return her to the dirt! Naked and defeated,” Kylo extended his lightsaber, glowing red, and brought it violently down onto the porg repeatedly. No one could make out what he was saying, but it sounded like he was just yelling unintelligibly. The class let out some shocked gaps, but they were quiet for the most part. 

Kylo stood there panting. “I crushed you into the ground and now your fake bones are part of the living Force beneath my feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed, and sired a boy!”

Rose was pretty sure Kylo had swelled up to twice his size with anger just thinking about Palpatine. 

Kylo pointed to his son with his lightsaber. “He is my final revenge, Sheev Palpatine!”

“Dad, come on!” 

Beside Mordecai, Arashell was giving Kylo a standing ovation. “I want to be you when I grow up!”

“And so you shall!” screamed Kylo, glad to have someone who truly appreciated his efforts. She would make a worthy heir. He stopped suddenly, remembering what Rey had bought to bring in. “Now children, I was asked to bring in a healthy snack so join me in the hall for raw thala-siren milk and portion bread.” 

Rose didn’t know how to process what had just happened so she gave up trying. “All right kids, go get your snacks.”

The kids filed out of the room and Rose followed suit. She needed something much stronger than thala-siren milk though.


End file.
